In the moment

~ Memories~
Written in a moment

There are times throughout lifes listless ebs and flows, where we sit on a quiet moment. The stress and the pace may be gone for now, however we feel empty. As though something is missing, but that something you know is better of missing.
I know I miss the sound of a piano echoing down an old victorian hall way. I miss the sun and the sea breeze. But I also know those things are better of as memories. As memories they cannot cause anymore pain.
I miss the unity of two. But for now one must walk alone. Even though lifes current quiet spot is good and full of prospect. It fails to sound clearly in my head. Its a flat note, when played over and over it never quite sweetens into that beautiful clear note.
I miss a once upon a time, where I would explore the country with someone beside me who also appreciated photo opportunities. But I know, even though I do not roam right now, it is better this way.
But why does it not make me feel any better?
Once upon a time I would appreciate history of a far away town, in a far away county by the sea.
Life seems to drift onwards, and at times we ourselves are unaware of how fast time actually proceeds.
I can remember a time, where I, felt like one day would never end or a day felt so long, I hid away and tried to sleep it all away.
I can also remember times where certain names and faces were the most important to me. But now those names never appear or I know, I will never see those faces again.
But lifes meandering pace continues, dragging us through the painful times and the good. But good never seems to last very long, and how I wish I could turn back the clock. To relieve a moment, to change an answer, to say yes or no.
But its too late, and its for the best...right?
Even if we were to try and go back now in the present, its too late, those people and scenarios have changed. That moment is long gone and will only ever be present in your own mind.
Even now, life may be quiet, It may be drama free and good career wise. But why in my mind can I not be happy with just that.
Lonely... maybe.
Ungrateful... probably.
But it does make me realise why there is such a strong desire to time travel. And again H.G. Wells has shown us that no matter how many times we go back, things will happen one way or another.
Maybe thats comforting that my choices were probably correct one way or another. But it makes me sad to know, nothing more could have become of those lost moments.
I doubt this will ever really be read by anyone, but I am in that mood to write. Even though I am dyslexic and struggle with my grammar and spelling... I have this desire to not become a prisoner of myself.
I should be so proud of myself, I am researching and learning more than ever. I have achieved so many awards and goals. But yet, It feels overcasted.
I have lost so much, even though we are told, its for the best or it was never yours to lose to begin with.
So all I can do, is try to forget that beautiful piano, those sad overcast notes and sorrowful melodies. I have to forget the top hats, the history and the caves.
I have to push aside the names and faces of those who left for varying reasons.
But, I am struggling, I can't bring myself to talk to anyone at all about this. Simply because its silly, stupid and no one will really understand.
I remember the tiniest details from back in those times, right down to the carpet and the arrangement of someones desk.
I myself have changed, I seem to smile less or when I do its shallow and fake, if I don't smile people won't talk to me because I am gloomy or always sad.
So I put on some stupid smiley bubbly facade.
I see through people almost immediately these days, spotting the wolf lurking behind some social mask.
Even the * nice* people seem to be lying to some degree, even my * friends*. The ones who will only ever talk to me when they need to know stuff... is that really all friendship is now?
If so I feel I am reluctant to want to take part.
But instead, I feel the need to hide in my memories, walking down historic cobblestone roads... the harp shop, the avenue of cherry blossoms.
I miss the sound of waves and the sound of birds of prey.
I miss staring at the night sky with someone.
But its all too late now, those moments are gone and only I, seem to remember or care about those small tiny things.